we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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