I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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