I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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