Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
