if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
