the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
