I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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