Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
