life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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