I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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