i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
