Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
