My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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