just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
