Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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