how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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