another moral hangover. fuck.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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