Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
