too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
