The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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