she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I pour the whiskey from now on
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
