Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
