Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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