the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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