My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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