my mouth tastes like poor choices
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
