When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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