areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
