I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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