i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
