i need an iv and a liver transplant
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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