I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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