new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
