First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
