just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
