Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
