Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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