I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It was confusing and full of hummus
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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