this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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