I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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