Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
