sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
