You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
