i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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