Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
