Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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