I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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