Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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