I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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