onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
