Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
