bring money and cleavage
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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