So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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