last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
