Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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