The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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