I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
