I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
