Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
