be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
