The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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