I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
